In other news, Torchwood: Miracle Day has aired. Yes, I watched it. Every episode. Some episodes I saw twice.
I'm also aware that some people haven't seen it at all.
So, I've gone through it in my head, stripped it down to its bare essentials and have provided you all with 'Torchwood: Miracle Day, In Ten Nutshells'. No warnings for anything but language, snark and very obviously, spoilers. Click below for the .PDF, or under the cut for the LJ version. Hope you enjoy!
Torchwood: Miracle Day
In Ten Nutshells
Episode One: The New World
Vera: OMG! The world is immortal!
Rex: I'm a dick.
Gwen: Never mind all that – look at these cool guns and our awesome explosions!
Jack: Yeah! Who needs plot when you've got explosions?
Episode Two: Rendition
Jack: Ugh. I feel sick. I think I've been poisoned.
Gwen: Don't worry. I can fix that with some advanced improvisation skills and the spare poison that counteracts the one given you that your poisoner keeps with her at all times.
Jack: I'm instantly better again! This episode is pointless!
Rex: I'm an immortal dick.
Episode Three: Dead of Night
Jack: I don't think anything happened this episode other than finding a warehouse and jumping to the conclusion that pharmaceutical company PhiCorp is behind this. OHNOWAIT – I got laid! YAY!
Rex: My God, I'm an arsehole.
Episode Four: Escape To L.A.
Rex: Did I mention I'm a prick?
Rex's Dad: It's genetic.
Gwen: D'ohhhh, Rex! That dude was going to tell us who was behind the Miracle! You shot him in the throat!
Jack: It's a pity people don't write things down any more, isn't it?
Episode Five: The Categories of Life
Random Expositioner: The panels you've been working with over the last couple of weeks met in secret without you and decided on this, *hands handy file over* neglecting to take your vote into account or mention this idea in any of the panels you have thus far attended.
Vera: Well, shit. Imma gonna go to L.A. and sort this the fuck out.
Vera: I'm going to tell everybody what a Stupid Head you are!
Stereotype: Fuck! *shoots Vera; puts her in an oven; sets her on fire*
Rex: LOL at this point you're supposed to start believing I'm less of a dickwad. I'm not.
Episode Six: The Middle Men
Jack: Oi! Dude from Ghostbusters! WTF is PhiCorp doing to make people stop dying, eh?
Ghostbuster: Erm … It's not PhiCorp behind this. But take the words 'The Blessing' with you. Something tells me that it may be important you know that, stranger.
Jack: Well, if you say it isn't you, I believe you. Back to square one!
Gwen: I'm just going to blow some Government property up and hope there's no repercussions. BRB.
Gwen: Back! And there's totally nothing to wor – wtf? They've hacked my video contact lenses? They've got my family? Oops! Wait … THEY WANT JACK? This is a HUGE revelation for me! Who'd have THUNK IT?
Rex: *twiddles thumbs* I'm just hanging about … dicking around. The usual.
Episode Seven: Immortal Sins
*randomly in 1927*
Angelo: OMG I'M SO ADORABLE.
Jack: YES YOU ARE. Let's have sexytimez before your sudden but inevitable betrayal that will no doubt end in pain, torture, and with a heavy emphasis on people bottling my blood.
Angelo: IT'S A PLAN!
Jack: ILY, Gwen Cooper, but if you try to take this from me I'll rip the skin from your skull.
Audience: Could you just do that anyway, plz?
Esther: Don't worry, Jack and Gwen! We'll save you! Luckily, the baddie forgot to delete their contact-lens-hacking internet history so we could track you!
Rex: Do you like my new badge? It says 'Wanker'.
Episode Eight: The End of the Road
Gwen: Pity the whole Angelo plot we set up over an entire episode turned out to be irrelevant. We're back to square one.
Rex: Can I still be a knob on square one?
Jack: Episode eight is a bit late to be back at square one yet again, isn't it? Ah fuck – look, Gwen. I've been shot. Looks like I'm going to die.
Esther: Oh my. What an incredibly tense cliffhanger.
Episode Nine: The Gathering
*after a trip to Wales and a cheap 'two months later' get out clause ...*
Officer: Hi, Gwen Cooper. I know you totally blew up a Government-sanctioned facility and have spent the last couple of years on the run from said government for some reason nobody's really clear on, but I'm not concerned with that. No. I'm just here because there's a rumour you might be hiding your Category 1 father in a secret cellar in your house. As you know, Category 1 means 'is very definitely dead with no chance of ever saving them', so we want to cremate him and end his pain.
Gwen: I tend to find helping people pretty morally objectionable – unless I'm helping myself, of course. Why don't you drop by later? We're gonna have a tea party and two of the world's most wanted men are gonna drop by!
Rex: I'm not one of them, btw. They'd be Jack and Oswald Danes. Nobody wants me. Have I mentioned what a total arsewipe I am?
*later, at the tea party*
Gwen: Hello, random paedophile.
Oswald: Hi, Gwen Cooper. Can I hold your baby?
*lots of conversation happens, after which the team decide they need to be in Shanghai and Buenos Aires after Rhys uses a handily-placed globe to deduce that they are anti – HEY. HANDILY-PLACED GLOBE WAS MY PLOT DEVICE! ~ Silver*
Gwen: Whew! We're in Shanghai!
Jack: Yay! And … oh look. I'm bleeding, and the drop of blood that has escaped is now moving across the floor of its own accord to get to the Blessing.
Audience: Holy Crap. They weren't joking when they said the Blessing was a physically and canonically impossible giant vagina running through the Earth! O_o
Episode Ten: The Blood Line
*What it all boils down to is...*
Rex: At this point you're supposed to be convinced I'm a good guy deep down rather than a complete and utter cock. Lulz.
Jack: Well hai thur, baddies. We're going to defeat you by doing this!
Baddies: LMAO. Yeah, that won't work. If you really wanted to defeat us, you'd have to do this.
Jack: Oh. Right. We'll do that then! Cheers!
(because I refuse to believe the canon and plot fuckery that Rex is randomly immortal ever happened)