Alternate Universe, Fluff, a bit domestic, crossover-ishRating:
G - NC-17Warnings:
Men men men men men and more men. Okay ... two.Disclaimer:
If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.Summary:
Strange UFO behaviour over a sleepy English village draws out the Torchwood team ... well, Jack and Ianto. Any excuse for a mini-holiday ...
Definitely written more for the Brits, but internationals may still find it entertaining (this chapter is rather devoid of Britishness, but it is about to get very G.O.L.D)
“You’re gonna kill yourself, working this hard.” Jack sighed, talking to himself and letting his gaze linger on the exhausted form of Ianto Jones, slumped over the Tourist Office desk and most definitely sleeping. He was watching him on the CCTV, smiling to himself as a couple and a small kid entered the little shop, frowning at the sleeping receptionist and eventually making their child go over and poke him awake. Ianto started blearily, looking up and realising he wasn’t alone and was, in fact, now going to have to deal with strangers rather than Jack or Gwen.
The Captain tapped a few keys, closing the CCTV feed and promising himself he would one day manage to work as hard as Ianto – and have all the energy left over for vigorous lovemaking – just to prove he could. Leaning back in his chair, he passed an eye over his desk, allowing his gaze to rest on his In Tray. Hmmm ...
he thought. I could work as hard as Ianto ... but not today ...
“Jack?” Gwen called, turning on the chair behind her desk and leaning back so he could see her when he rose to stand in the doorway.
“What you got?” he asked.
“Look at this. Police have already pigeon-holed it as a hoax, but judging from the shape and design ...”
“Yeah ... that looks ... Ulia’n.”
“That’s what I thought – but they generally fly over hotter areas, don’t they?”
“Thermo-engines need refuelling.” he agreed. “Where were they spotted?”
“A small English village in the middle of nowhere. The locals are known for being ... well ... a bit – in the words of the police report – ‘nutty’. Even though more than one of the villagers reported the sighting, the coppers down there are pretty much in consensus that it’s a joke and they’re probably all in on it.”
Jack raised an eyebrow. “Harsh. Anyway ... we don’t really need to bother ourselves with it, real or no. Ulia’ns just get their power and bugger off.”
“That’s just it though ... they haven’t ‘buggered off’ – they’ve been spotted three times. Obviously it’s unclear whether it was three different ships to the same spot or one ship three times ... but it’s unusual either way – especially somewhere so ... non-thermal.”
Jack’s eyes drifted out of focus as he let himself think.
“What did you say this village was called again?”~*~*~*~
“So ... we’re going to the countryside ....” sighed Ianto, fidgeting as Jack fondly reached out to straighten his tie. “Perfect. Can’t think of anything better.”
“Enough of the sarcasm. And it’ll only be a week.” replied Jack, smoothing down the silk and dusting off his shoulders.
“We were only there seventeen hours last time. Remember how that turned out?”
“Yes ... but that was in Wales.” said Jack, his tone mock-comforting and a little sarcastic.
“Yeah well ... shut up.” scowled Ianto, turning on his heel. “Shall I pack a travel grill in case we meet someone along the country roads who wants a snack?” he shouted back. “Which bit of me shall I cut off first?”
Jack rolled his eyes and turned back into his office, opening up a new e-mail window and composing a very long message explaining to Ianto that not all country-dwellers were cannibals, and that they were just rather unlucky the last time they left the secure confines of the busy city. He also mentioned that they would be staying in a B&B this time. He sat back and waited for his answer.
I realise not all non-city dwellers are cannibals.
I know that people who do not live in cities are not all psychopaths.
I am fairly certain the murder rates are higher in cities than in the country (Midsomer not included).
I am perfectly happy to stay in the B&B, as long as we’re not breakfast.
P.S.: Is Gwen getting out of this?
P.P.S.: If she is ... are we sharing?
The Captain read the final postscripts twice, before leaving his chair and workstation calling “GWEN!” at the top of his lungs.
“Yeah?” she called back, a spanner in her hand as she crouched under her table, banging the tower in the hope she could make the computers work as well for her as they had for Toshiko in doing so.
Jack frowned at the spanner, then shook himself back into focus. “Are we getting UNIT replacements in while me and Ianto are away?” he asked, tactfully informing her that she was no longer invited.
“Wha ... just you and Ya - ... yes, I suppose I’ll have to ...” she grumbled, heaving herself up from her haunches and placing the spanner on her desk.
“Oh ... ah ... um ... did you think that you were coming too? I’m sorry ... I’m so sorry, Gwen! Damn ... if it wasn’t such short notice I bet we could get some UNIT-”
“It’s okay, Jack.” she interrupted him. “Rhys didn’t like the idea of me going away with you anyway.”
“Going away with me?”
“Well ... you and Ianto. Didn’t want me drawn into any of your ... games.” she smirked.
“Damn ... y’know ... I think I must be ill. That thought never even crossed my mind ...”
“Crossed mine.” Ianto shouted from the coffee machine. “And then I filed it neatly under ‘Only If The World’s Ending and We Can’t Find Rhys’. Does anyone want a biscuit?”
“Not for me thanks ... watching my figure.” Gwen called back.
“Aww ... Gwen, love. You look lovely as you are.” Ianto rolled his eyes at her apparent stupidity. “However, I would say that a trip to the dentist wouldn’t kil- FUCK!”
A spanner flew neatly past his ear, missing by only a few millimetres. Ianto could feel the tip of his ear being a little colder, having caught the draught caused by the close proximity of the heavy, flying metal.
“Next time, I won’t miss!” Gwen yelled while Jack sniggered into his hand.
“Sure you won’t.” muttered Ianto, reaching pointedly for the instant coffee. ~*~*~*~
Ianto dragged his two suitcases out of the front of the building towards the Scorpio Jack had hired. The boot was open, and Ianto raised an eyebrow at the lonely duffel bag sat in there. Similarly, Jack’s eyebrow raised at Ianto's two large, wheeled suitcases with much incredulity.
“We’re only going for two weeks.” he stated, at the same time Ianto decided to exclaim: “You’re really only taking that
for two weeks
“You’re going to need more than that, Jack. Surely?” said Ianto, dragging the duffel closer and pulling it open to examine the contents. The Captain had rolled his clothes so that more would fit in, creating a large Battenberg of blue and navy, with the odd dash red braces or pale green cotton. He’d also managed to fit in a small bag of toiletries and a spare pair of boots. “This still isn’t enough.”
than enough! I thought I’d brought a lot ... you’re bringing your entire wardrobe!”
“Well I don’t know if they’ve got a dry-cleaners!” Ianto snapped, straightening up. “I’ve packed fourteen suits and fourteen shirts – two of each colour – and about twenty-five ties just in case. I’ve also brought a travel iron, kettle, mini-fridge, coat hangers, hand vacuum, clothing detergent we can use to hand wash, two blocks of soap, toothpaste, two bottles of shampoo, two bottles of conditioner, three varieties of shower gel, two pots of hair wax, five pairs of shoes, a first aid kit, a sewing kit and
a fold-away ironing mat. And then in my hand luggag-”
“Woahhh woahh! You’re bringing your house
“No. I’m bringing all the essentials I knew
you’d forget. Besides, that’s just the suitcases. Wait here while I get my in-car bag.”
“In-car .. what?”
But Ianto had already started hurrying back into his building, throwing back an almost yelled instruction for Jack to put the suitcases he’d already brought down into the car.
Jack let out a heavy sigh and began loading the first suitcase, trying to ignore the niggling feeling at the back of his mind telling him he would soon be driven home to re-pack. ~*~*~*~
He had been right. No sooner had Ianto returned with his ‘In Car’ bag, they were backtracking to the hub so that Jack could pack appropriately. Gwen gave them an odd look, knowing they should have set off by now, but Jack’s pleading glance at his duffel bag was more than enough to inform her of their purpose. She tried to hide a smirk behind her hand, none too successfully, and got on with what she was doing. Ianto barely offered her a ‘Good Morning’ before disappearing into Jack’s quarters, returning half an hour later with a packed bag and triumphant air.
you’re ready to go!” he said, shoving the wheel-less suitcase into Jack’s arms. It surprised him how heavy it was, and decided not to wonder how Ianto had managed to get it up the ladder by himself. Ianto was sometimes just ... good at things.
They bade Gwen goodbye again and started back to the car.
“You’re ... finicky.” sighed Jack. “Just because you can’t survive on the bare essentials doesn’t mean I can’t either.”
“Doesn’t mean you have to, though.” Ianto retorted. “And I did
only bring the bare essentials. We don’t know what they will or won’t have at the B&B.”
“I’m sure they’ll have a washing machine
“What if they’re using it and you’re desperate for socks?”
“Er ... borrow yours?”
“What if I’ve run out too?”
“You won’t have. You’ve packed about a hundred pairs.”
“Fair enough. What if you’ve run out of shirts?”
“How many did you pack?”
“Then I won’t run out of shirts.”
“There’s no telling how many times you might get shot or muddy or bloody. If you run out, and someone else is using the washing machine ... what are you going to do?”
“Walk around topless?”
“... in the English
“Borrow one of your shirts?”
“What if I’ve only got orange left?”
“Ugh! I look terrible in orange!”
“So you’ll have to wash one of your shirts in the travel detergent.”
“Or I could buy a new shirt. They’re cheap and very easy to come by.”
“Shall we stop here for lunch?”
“Frankie and Benny’s? A little pricey ...”
“We’re on a mini-holiday, and you’ve done nothing but grouch at me since we set off.” replied Jack, pulling the car into a parking bay. “C’mon ... they’ve put Mama’s Chocolate Marble back on the menu ...” he persuaded.
“Really?” Ianto's eyes widened in delight.
“If you’re lying to me ....”
“I’m not!” laughed Jack, taking off his seatbelt and climbing out of the car. He turned round to speak to Ianto, only to see him disappear into the restaurant, eager to get lunch over with so that they could move on to the cheesecake dessert.
They were too busy eating to talk, and when they’d finished their food Jack was too busy flirting with the waitress. Ianto sighed, bored of Jack’s antics now, and pointedly covered the Captain’s hand with his over the table, ordering drinks for them both and cutting the conversation short. Jack smirked at him, but he didn’t react. Instead, he winked at a pretty young lad over Jack’s shoulder, relishing in the sudden change from smug to jealousy in less than two seconds flat.
“How long ‘til we get there?” Ianto asked, looking around the restaurant for the waitress, eagerly awaiting his cheesecake dessert.
“The site of the sightings.”
“Heh heh! Site ... sight ... I get it! - Oh ... about three hours.”
“Yeah. So you better stay in this good mood.”
Ianto spotted his cake coming and beamed at Jack. “I promise I will!” he grinned before diving into the cheesy/cakey goodness.
Jack laughed, realising something. “You’re eating cake with a fork.”
“Yeah ...” said Ianto. “... and?”
“You eat cake with spoons!”
“No ... you eat cake with forks. Hence: cake
fork. It’s not my fault if you weren’t brought up right.”
Jack sniggered, picking up his dessert spoon and digging into his own fudge cake. Ianto rolled his eyes, but smiled along anyway. It didn’t take long for Jack to finish, but Ianto was savouring every mouthful and taking forever.
“C’mon Ianto!” moaned Jack. “We need to get moving.”
“Alright, alright!” he sighed, finishing up. “I just love this cheesecake.”
Jack got up, and Ianto followed suit. “You wanna taste?” he asked.
Jack frowned. “You’ve eaten it all.”
“Oh dear ...” tutted Ianto. Without any hitherto warning, he reached forward, pulling Jack into his body and pressing their lips together. He responded, smiling against Ianto's lips and allowing his tongue to press inside. There were several murmurs of ‘always the best ones ...’ from the tables around them, but the whispers barely registered in Jack and Ianto's distracted state. Eventually, Ianto broke them apart. “We better get going, then. Three hours in the car with you ... could be good. Could be very, very bad ...”
“I like the idea of being bad.” Jack muttered in his ear.
“Well ... just as soon as we get to those fabled deserted country lanes ...”
Jack practically dragged him out of the door, both of them laughing as they tumbled out of the exit.
"What was the village called we were headed to again?" asked Ianto as he pulled his seatbelt across him.
"Oh ... er ... I think it was ... ah yeah! Yeah ... the village is called ... Dibley."FIN
Honestly ... I really can't do things the simple way, can I? This was supposed to be a humour!oneshot, but ... yeah ... it got a bit bigger ...
Let me know what you think and whether or not you can be bothered to know more!
Next Part | Torchwood Index | Request a Convo/Prose Fic