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Silver Fic
... giving Ianto the key to Jack's happiness since 2009
The Donna pwns! Gwen fic ... 
13th-Oct-2009 02:25 pm
I wrote this in reply to jadeaffection, but it was too long to put in a comment so I'm going to post it here - at least more people will see it, I suppose *shrugs*

jadeaffection: Is it sad I would read a fic about that very scenario?

ME:: No ... no ... not at all ...

*writes one*


Gwen was walking down the street, quietly thinking to herself about how fookin awesum she is. She decided it was about time everyone else realised that she was the epitome of awesum, with her amazing jacket of awesum, screaming-with-gun-photograph of awesum, boyfriend-drugging adulterating habits of awesum, gap-toothed grin of awesum and womb of steel (created by said awesum).

"Ladies and gentlemen!" she declared, forcing silly old bumbling Rhys on to the floor on his hands and knees so that she could stand on his back in her awesum boots no pregnant woman should wear. "I thought you'd all like to know that you're still here because of my awesum. No one elses'. Mine. Mine. My own. Bow before my awesum and ye shall win yourselves a place in my favour and forever live your lives in fear of being pointlessly killed!"

The people in the crowd stared at her blankly, apart from a lanky man in a brown pinstripe suit, who simply gaped in disbelief. "You want awesum?" he yelled at her. "I'll give you motherfookin awesum!"

He disappeared with a flash, and Gwen stumbled slightly as Rhys' back (upon which she was still standing) trembled with what she decided to call 'The Weight of My Awesum'. The lanky man in the brown pinstriped suit ('Hang on ...' thought Gwen suddenly. 'Do I know him? I'm sure I used to know someone who wore a suit and challenged my Awesum ...') reappeared, pulling with him a ginger woman with a large handbag and an aura of pure ordinary-ness when compared to the awesumness of Gwen Cooper: PC for six months.

"Donna Noble." introduced the man. "This Gwen Cooper thinks she is made of more awesum than you."

The subservient ginger woman raised an eyebrow. "Is this true?" she asked.

"Gwen, love ..." poor, simple little Rhys mumbles. "You're getting really heavy."

"Don't worry, sweetheart." Gwen calls down to him, "I'll retcon you into forgetting this ever happened later." She turns to finally address the miscellaneous woman called Donna. "Why yes - I am the epitome of all that Awesum was created for. I'm am the ultimate human being. I am the heart of Torchwood, the eyes of UNIT, the ears of the Armed Forces and the arse of Russell T. Davies. Right now, I am the most important woman alive, made of teflon© mixed with pure love and totally indestructible. I liv-"

"Imma let choo finish ..." interrupted Donna. "But I am the most important woman in the universe ever. The. Most. Important. Woman. In. The. Universe. EVAR ... just thought you'd like to know."

"Woteva ..." replied Gwen. "I bet you never faced down the army while running holding a little girl you're not entirely sure is the one you're supposed to save because you never actually bothered to ask which ones your colleague [dammit, what was his name?] was related to, while wearing heeled boots, maintaining perfect hair and not even breaking a nail?"

"No. I just kicked the entire Dalek race's arse, thank you very much."

"Per-leeze!" laughed Gwen, teetering a little on Rhys' aching back. "You couldn't even kick my arse!"

"Oh ... oh really?"

The Donna lady turns to the lanky man in the suit, and he gives her a nod. Suddenly, Donna lunges forward and Gwen flails under the sudden pressure to do something constructive in a potentially dangerous situation. She falls on her arse, Rhys groaning with delight now that her weight is finally off him, and Donna advances forward. Using Gwen as a football, she kicks her arse up and down the street, while many bystanders wearing colourful shirts and sporting coffee mugs, greatcoats and blue boiler suits cheer her on.

Finally, Gwen is returned to Rhys with a laminated piece of card stapled to her head (using two staples, perfectly horizontal and symmetrical from each other) reading:

I am not da best. Donna Noble iz.


Donna leaves with the lanky man to make mouthy alien babies that would totally be made of win save the cheerleader, then save the world (and still be back in time for tea at Gramp's house. Mmmmmm potato hash!)

Rhys instantly sees the good in Gwen and takes her back unquestioningly, worshipping the ground she walks upon and planting flowers where she treads, adhering to her every whim and fancy (apart from when she goes a bit extreme, and they have a mini argument over a picnic that gets resolved - usually through retcon).

The rest of the world simply didn't give a shit.

EDIT: I realised afterwards I could put this in two comments. But I'm sick and a bit slow. So leave me alone or I'll demand ten per cent of you lot as a gift! *hmph*
13th-Oct-2009 01:43 pm (UTC)
LMAO! :)
13th-Oct-2009 01:45 pm (UTC)
lol - Donna IS awesome. Poor Donna, still makes me cry that. This was fantastic, and I shall now go and pick my son up from school with a grin. I thank you. :)
13th-Oct-2009 01:48 pm (UTC)
*laughs so much she forgets to breathe*
*iz ded*
Donna is without question the most important woman in the universe but if anyone could challenge her awesome it's you!
That was insane, hilarious and so perfect that if it were a person I would marry it.
And a fic for me...Awwwww *huggles you*
You win at life! xx
13th-Oct-2009 01:54 pm (UTC)
LOL! I am literally guffawing like a...um...mad guffawer! This is one of the funniest things you've written. EVAH! I'm going home tonight and writing a fic in which Jack hires Donna instead of Gwen. Talk about awsum!
13th-Oct-2009 02:12 pm (UTC)
Oh. Good. Lord. Too funny for words. This woke me up faster than coffee this morning. Thanks doll, It was brill!
13th-Oct-2009 02:24 pm (UTC)
Donna Nobel is made of win!

I think I fell in love with her the first time she told the Doctor to shut the hell up, and tell here what the hell was going on.

This fic, is subsequently, made of AWSUM and WIN!
13th-Oct-2009 02:56 pm (UTC)
now that cheered me up :-D
13th-Oct-2009 03:05 pm (UTC)
My dear... YOU are made of AWESUM! :D

What I wouldn't give to actually see this happen. Though... poor Rhys. He really deserves so much better! Hey... Rhys and Donna would be cute together.
13th-Oct-2009 03:38 pm (UTC)
Yaaaay!! This definitely made my morning. Stupid, stupid Gwen. Awesome, amazing Donna. :D
13th-Oct-2009 04:47 pm (UTC)
*laughs hysterically*

*Iz ded from the laughing*

:D Thank you so much for sharing this...Donna is indeed Awesum - and so are YOU!

Seriously...Gwen gives us Welsh girls a bad name *grumbles* ...and poor Rhys! I like Rhys - and he deserves better than adulterous, retconning, Jack!lusting (GRRR) Gwen!

13th-Oct-2009 04:48 pm (UTC)
Hahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahha! When you put (GRRR) Gwen all I could think was Tony the Tiger.


13th-Oct-2009 05:16 pm (UTC)
If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's to never, ever, EVER piss off a redhead. Especially one who is COMPLETELY MADE OF AWESUM LIKE MS. NOBLE!

I so need to hear David Tennant say "I'll give you motherfookin awesum!" now.

So leave me alone or I'll demand ten per cent of you lot as a gift!

I may regret asking this...but what would you do with 10% of us lot?
13th-Oct-2009 05:26 pm (UTC)
Wonderful, dirty, disgusting things. Which may or may not include bondage of varying degrees, suits, greatcoats and possibly sybians.

Either that or I could just make you all wander around with 'Save Ianto Jones' sandwich boards and bottles of holy water in case Gwackos show up.
13th-Oct-2009 05:33 pm (UTC)
Looks like you're proving that not everything spewing slime must be destructive and full of plotholes today! Thank you for this little piece of fic that made me laugh out loudly on some lines, so my neighbours may think I'm a bit strange, sitting im my room by myself randomly bursting out laughing... This actually reminded me a bit of some kind of fairy story, I almost expected some kind of "once upon a time" and "happily ever after" ;)
Hope you get well soon and keep posting teh awesum!
13th-Oct-2009 06:01 pm (UTC)
I think I love you. Really.
This fic? Made of awesum.
13th-Oct-2009 06:10 pm (UTC)
*slighly hysterical giggles*

fook yes, donna is made of win.

'I am not da best. Donna Noble iz.



<333's this soo much.
13th-Oct-2009 06:50 pm (UTC)
lol brilliant really really funny
13th-Oct-2009 06:57 pm (UTC)
"I am the heart of Torchwood, the eyes of UNIT, the ears of the Armed Forces and the arse of Russell T. Davies"
Best line ever

Pwease go and take over RTD's body and make Torchwood all better again?
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