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Silver Fic
... giving Ianto the key to Jack's happiness since 2009
Crack!Fic: Jack and Ianto's Letters 
5th-Nov-2009 12:22 am
Title: Jack and Ianto's letters
Chapter: One Shot; letters
Characters: Jack Harkness, Ianto Jones
Author: a_silver_story
Genre crack, fluff - flirty?
Rating: PG-13, if that.
Warnings: Sexual references.
Disclaimer: If I owned anything in this, I'd be a rich rich rich bitch. However, I am not a rich rich rich bitch so you may all, therefore, assume I own nothing. Which I don't. It all belongs RTD and the BBC, in case any of you didn't know.
Summary: Set pre-Cyberwoman, and purely for the crack. Jack disappears for a few days, and Ianto gets a funny email. A bit of long-distance flirting. The idea just made me smiley, is in no way in line with canon or even that IC.

Torchwood Index/Masterlist

Dear Ianto,

I am currently trapped in a Spanish prison. Can’t be specific just yet, but if you could get my out ASAP that would be smashing.

Legal methods preferred, though not mandatory.

Jack xxx


Dear Jack,

If I’m going to set up an ‘appeal’ I’m going to have to know three things :

1. Who did you kill/maim/offend?

2. How long is your sentence for?

3. What the Hell are you doing in SPAIN?

Make it good, and you better be nice to me when you get back, sir.



Dearest Ianto,

1) I offended some form of diplomat. Totally not my fault. He really did look like a woman.

2) I think three years. Less if the warden is as gay as I think he is.

3) I think the promise of free-flowing alcohol, a top-up to my tan and the possibility of beach sex has something to do with it. Tell Owen I’ll need blood tests when I get back.

Please hurry, Ianto! It’s so awful here, surrounded by hot, sweaty, olive-skinned young men who’ve all been very, very bad boys. I also miss your coffee and promise to be extra nice to you when I get back. Maybe dinner?

Jack xxx



Jack ,


Maybe dinner. Stress on the maybe.

Ive sent an email to the Embassy so hopefully youll be on the way out soon.


Also, could you sign a note telling Gwen to stop:


  •   pinching my cheeks and calling me adorable little lamb.
  •  telling me how to do my job. I know how to archive. My system just happens to be different from the Police one.
  •  rubbing it in our faces that were all sad and single while shes got lasagne and Rhys at home. I love lasagne, and the current lack of it in my life is driving me to distraction.
  • asking me if Im gay, and if so/not would I like to meet her friend?
  • touching me in general.


Bear in mind how fast you get out depends on me entirely.






Dearest Ianto,

I don’t understand a few of your problems. First off, you *are* an adorable little lamb. Gwen just needs to make sure you haven’t forgotten. Don’t forget, either, that Gwen knows best. I think a re-shuffle of the Archives and a new labelling system may be in order.

And what’s wrong with her touching you? Touching you is a very enjoyable pastime. I should think hopeknowthink.

I miss lasagne, too. If only I ‘d been imprisoned in Italy ....




Had a reply from the Embassy. They seem to find the idea of you being in a Spanish prison very amusing, sir.

Nevertheless, I am negotiating your release and hopefully you should be out in a few days.

Owens laying down bets as to how many women youve slept with. If you could give me a general idea so that I can win, I should be very grateful and may even persuade the Embassy into getting you out a bit sooner. If you disapprove of this betting round, however, I shall apprehend and penalise Owen for it according to several overlooked regulations from the mid-thirties about gambling. I can twist them to fit my needs. Muahahahaha.

Just so you know, we currently have a blue Cyclops donkey living in the cells. Owen calls her Wonkey. Is it wrong of me to mentally refer to her as Suzie?

Youll be back soon hopefully. Not the same without you. Definitely more fun when youre around.

Bye bye,



Dearest Ianto,

I really hope you find my release soon.

If you put a bet on that I’ve slept with 42 (human) women, not only will you be (vaguely) right, you will also be providing that mysterious, age-old question to the answer Deep Thought gave in ‘The Hitchhikers’ Guide to the Galaxy’.

Yes, everything really does revolve around ME.

The donkey sounds interesting, but naming the animals is *my* job. I vote ‘Rhiannon’, and my vote counts as six because of my Torchwood Loyalty Points.

Can’t wait to see youallagain and finally have your coffee.

Jack xxx



Good news!

You shall be out a week on Wednesday (23rd) and I shall meet you outside and fly you home. There’s a gap between you getting out and the flight, so maybe we could have that thank you dinner round about then?

I put on my bet of 42. If I win, I promise you copious amounts of coffee and extra donuts for a month – even if you get a bit of jaundice and start putting on weight.

I’ll call you Homer.

See you on the 23rd!


P.S.: ‘Rhiannon’ is a no-no for the donkey. My sister is called Rhiannon.


Dearest Ianto,

I look forward to being stuck in a very tight and confined space with you, and it will be my pleasure to buy you dinner (and a large amount of wine) first.

Jackie xxx

5th-Nov-2009 12:55 am (UTC)
lol. Good one! :)

Your "mood" image is very very distracting...

...especially since my internet connection has some problems so sometime it goes slower, and then faster, and a bit slower...

5th-Nov-2009 01:08 am (UTC)
Love it! Your brain is filled with amazing goodness.
5th-Nov-2009 01:11 am (UTC)
YAY! refrences to hitch hikers!
5th-Nov-2009 01:18 am (UTC)
As Hugh Laurie would be saying in your icon, "BRAVO!"
5th-Nov-2009 01:36 am (UTC)
hahahahahahaha brilliant loved it
5th-Nov-2009 01:39 am (UTC)
Awwww, I loved it :)
And yay, hitchhikers.
5th-Nov-2009 01:46 am (UTC)

Jack does get himself in a pickle sometimes, doesn't he? Good thing he has Ianto to get him out of it.

5th-Nov-2009 01:55 am (UTC)
I adore hitchhiker's guide, so, so much!

Cookie for the referent.
5th-Nov-2009 01:55 am (UTC)
lol Typical Jack. Of course, Ianto would be the only one able to get him out.

*slaps Gwen for Jack* Gwen should NOT be touching The Ianto! Grrr!!!
5th-Nov-2009 03:14 am (UTC)
This was beyond perfect and hilarious.
Ianto IS an adorable little lamb, yes I say "is" because he still "is" and never "was" never...ever.
5th-Nov-2009 04:30 am (UTC)
that was fabulous and cute and just what i needed!
5th-Nov-2009 06:25 am (UTC)
I adore this. It's kind of IM fic crack, which means your AU has it's own AU!crack sub-genre.

You so rule.

And yes, Ianto IS adorable. Always.
5th-Nov-2009 08:09 am (UTC)
LOL at Suzie/Rhiannon the donkey.
And YAY Hitchhikers!
This is ace!
5th-Nov-2009 02:13 pm (UTC)
I should think hopeknowthink.

This killed me. How did you manage to change the font to write above the strike?
5th-Nov-2009 02:17 pm (UTC)


remove the *

5th-Nov-2009 05:03 pm (UTC)
That was so cute and funny!
5th-Nov-2009 06:22 pm (UTC)

wonderful :D
5th-Nov-2009 10:45 pm (UTC)
Why does Ianto put up with Jack, really? I'd leave his sorry arse in Spain and let him do all the "hot, sweaty, olive-skinned young men who’ve all been very, very bad boys" he wants (and the warden, too.)

Ianto deserves better... the adorable little lamb.
5th-Nov-2009 10:51 pm (UTC)
Why, indeed?

Though I did set this at the beginning of S1 pre-Cyberwoman, so really .... yeah ... he shoulda known what he'd end up putting up with and backed away slowly, brandishing scalding-hot coffee.
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